if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
