My first STD was from a foam party
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
