i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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