he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
