when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
