So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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