I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
50% drunk capacity currently
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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