If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
MIDGETS
????
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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