The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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