so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
