help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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