We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
