my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
