hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
