doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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