The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
