xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
