pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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