I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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