ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
