Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
