I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
