YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Can I color on your dick again?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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