I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
