I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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