it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
