Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Randomize
