Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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