Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
