she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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