if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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