There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
