She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
