Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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