I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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