I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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