I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
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