She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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