The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
