So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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