tell your sister to shave her snatch
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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