Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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