So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
