you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
