your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
