textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
