I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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