Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
two words...techno handjob
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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