do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
