Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
