i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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